"For the first year, just say YES"

Posted Monday, November 19, 2007 12:37 AM

My mom passed that quote on to me today. Don't know where she read it, but it sounds wise to me. Why did I say that?

Will and I had another guest list spat yesterday. He urged me to start thinking about people to trim off the list. Trouble is, my family is bigger than his, and I guess that's a common planning issue. We said everything to each other from "they're my family, I can't cut them!" to "well, then take off the people you really HATE," to "I liked the lesser limit better."

When we were considering venues, especially Grand Bohemian, we told them a limit of 50 guests total. I didn't say anything. Maybe I should have, but it was our first venue visit. We "agreed" to sacrifice guests for ambiance at that point, because the GB was wooing us with its opulence. Then it went up to 75-100 once we started considering other sites, like Hard Rock, and what we wanted from each place. Naturally, a bigger limit means you can at least consider more guests. Once we started calling our family and friends, well, mine asked when the date was, so I told them, of course. I'm not going to keep info like that from my family, and I was never raised to be spiteful or secretive. Even though I don't like what's happened between some members of my family, they're still family. Deep down, I love them all, in some sense. Quirky aunts, snobby cousins and crazy drunken uncles included. They've been in all the family weddings I can remember, and they have to be here for mine. It wouldn't be the same without them. I started telling him he could face my family members and un-invite them, to save me the trouble, and he backed down. I want us to have and keep good relationships with people on both sides, and that means even those people he doesn't really know. Same goes for me, with his relatives.

Will's family is smaller, but most of them will be there, and he has other people in his life who might as well be family, so I got defensive more than a few times. I told him I wanted to see him tell his family members they couldn't attend, and I know he won't do that. There are certain things you just don't deny your kin, just because they're family.

We went to bed angry yesterday(and I know the old adage says you're not supposed to), but the air's clear today. I think a full night's sleep did us both good, and we came up with a solution. I want clear limits for the guest list, and I told him so. I also said in my family, you don't pick and choose, and I can't very well un-invite and un-update everyone I've talked to.  Most of my friends already know, but if they ultimately can't be there, then that's that. Life happens, especially concerning weddings. My family is different, as is his. When you let family know about something like a wedding, they're going to assume they're invited. And the truth is, they probably will be, on my side and his. It's just how things are.

That quote Mom passed on, really makes sense. I've barely said a word about the guests he wants, and I'm trying to be diplomatic, but there are sticky points. He's told his friends to think of people they want to be there, and maybe one or two others. I never said anything, because I thought we had a bigger limit. The last thing I want to do is vengefully start cutting people from his list because he's ticking me off. So for now, I'm just going to remember the "yes" quote. I think it'll be good for him to remember, too. We'll both have to deal with people and situations we won't like, so we'll both have to suck it up and make the best of it.

We agreed to create a family-only list, and see where that leaves us, price-wise and otherwise. If we decide we have enough money and space to invite others, then we do it. In the end, we might pay a little more to invite guests, but that's only if, after family, we really decide we want all friends there.

Whew. *sigh* I hope he sticks to this new agreement. I'll have to remind him about it, but I think he'll do well with it. We are planning another appointment with Hard Rock after Thanksgiving, to get the skinny on pricing, menus, discounts, space limits, and locations. That should really put things in perspective. Bottom line, I'm glad we're not fighting anymore.