Two weeks

Posted Thursday, February 09, 2012 11:50 AM

Well, it's been two weeks now since my DH and I got into that huge fight and put off our IVF.  Since then, he has stepped things up when it comes to our house, he is getting a couple of projects done and that's been a huge relief to me.  As far as his work, it's still not up to the point where I'd like it to be but it seems like he is working a little harder.

The other thing that has happened is that we finally got our taxes done.  We've been waiting and waiting to get this done because we really didn't know where we'd be when it was done and we were hoping to pay off our credit card and maybe pay off my DH's car too.  Well, we finally got it done and this year things with our business were really different so our taxes reflected that.  We had $12,500 saved up for our taxes but were under the impression that we wouldn't need to spend more than $2,000-3,000 of it so we were planning on spending the difference on paying off those debts.  Well, surprise!  We need to pay in $10,000.  Yep, just another f-ing bump in the road.

It makes me upset that we don't have that money any more but it also upsets me because I was making a point when I said I wanted to hold off on the IVF.  I was under the assumption that we COULD do it but that I was CHOOSING to put it off.  Now we're back to not being able to do it even if we wanted to so I feel like, unfortunately, me making that stand has lost it's effect.

I guess we're just back to square one again.  This is so upsetting, it makes me mad, it makes me sad, it makes me depressed and it just makes it feel like we're never going to get there.  Not to mention, I found out another friend is pregnant.  A good friend actually, my DH was a groomsman in their wedding 7 MONTHS ago, not fair.

Besides all of that, my DH and I are getting along pretty well.  We've been talking a lot about feelings and this whole IF battle and that has helped me.  I don't really see things changing much for us, and I still wish they would, but I'm taking it one day at a time and just working hard and taking time to veg out too.

I had my second app with the social worker on Tuesday and it went ok.  It seems like we talk and she asks me how I feel about things and I tell her and that's that.  I don't have a hard time talking about my feelings and I'm very open with myself, with my DH, my friends and with her, it's not like I have anything to hide that I'm waiting for her to dig out so I don't know if it's really effective or not.  When I started this I told myself I'd commit to 6 weeks (or sessions) before I quit so that's what I will do but I was hoping for a little more progress than this.  As always, my expectations are a little too high, I suppose.

I think I'm going to ask Jake to come to my next app, I don't think he'll fight me too hard on it but I might be surprised.  Or maybe I'll do one more solo session before inviting him, I don't know.  I really just want him to get inspired to work harder and make more money, can my therapist do that???  That would be awesome!  That's what I need, that is what will make me feel better in every aspect of my life and that's what I'm trying to figure out.