New therapist

Posted Monday, March 26, 2012 1:45 PM

After 2 visits, I cancelled the remaining visits with the social worker from my fertility doctor's office.  She was a little weird, we didn't connect and I relly, REALLY don't like going in to that office more than I need to.

I figured instead of trying so hard to find someone who specializes in IVF, I would find a marriage counselor.  Since I'm not expecting to get any specific advice on our IVF choices, I think it would help even more to find someone who I can relate to and have a good feeling about.  So my DH and I met with our new therapist, Sarah, last week and it went pretty well.  I was pretty freaked out and so was my DH at first, we never thought we would need to see a "marriage counselor" because things between us are generally really good.  Anyway, I had to push my pride down and we both felt really comfortable with her and we've committed to at least 4-6 visits and then we'll see if it is helping.

I'm planning on going back by myself next week, she said we can either both come or just one of us can come, it's up to us.  I've been really nervous to bring this up again, but the further and further we get in to this IVF process and the more daunting and crazy it seems that we'll ever get the money.  So, I'm back to thinking about donor sperm.  I feel like I'm cheating on my DH even thinking about it, it makes me sick, and yet, here I am again.  I just keep thinking that DH will be a wonderful father no matter what, and this way we could get an IUI done (hopefully, if all goes right) with out any medications at all, within a month and for under $1,000.  If it doesn't work the first time, then we could try again, with or without the meds, but still, it's SO inexpensive and unintrusive compared to full blown IVF.

That way we can just focus on paying off our debt and saving up for a down payment on our next house.  We won't be financially burdened and we'll have a chance at having a baby ASAP.  So, that's what I'll be talking to Sarah about and hopefully she will be able to give me some perspective and tips on how to talk to my DH about this.  It's just awful, I wish I didn't have to choose.

The last few days a bunch of my out of town family has been ehre again so I've been in the middle of the 2 (close by) family babies once again.  I also found out that my cousin will be trying for her 2nd baby soon.  She is working on a birthstone necklace for herself so she really wants her next baby to be born in February because she likes the birth stone.  She said she'll have to get pregnant in May for that to happen so that's what they'll be doing.  Wham, bam, thank you ma'am.  That was just a kick in the stomach, she doesn't know about our situation so I can't really blame her for the insensitive words, I'm just jealous, I wish i was naive enough to make comments like that.  I know if I hadn't gone through that, that's exactly how I'd be acting.

I'm so tired of waiting, I want to have a baby now and we'll figure everythng else out later.  There will always be things that we want to work on within ourselves, our marriage, our work situation and I'm not willing to wait any longer to try and figure out these things before hand- we've been waiting long enough.

 I don't know how my DH will react when I talk to him about this.  I've brought it up a couple of times before and he always says NO and I let it go, because I hate the idea of losing his biological connection so I don't blame him for feeling the same way.  I think he is starting to hurt though too, seeing all these babies and hearing about all these pregnancies is finally starting to get to him so maybe that will mean something.  I don't know, I guess we'll see.

Still crying, really?

Posted Wednesday, February 29, 2012 8:14 PM

So... I'm a big baby apparently.  I always figured I was a pretty tough chick but recently I'm starting to seriously doubt that.  Since December, I've been getting blood drawn and getting tests done and I can't seem to leave a single appointment without crying.  Well, it came to an all time low yesterday when I went in to my dentist to get some fillings done.

I go in and lay down on the chair, plug in my head phones and the dentist and assistant start to get my dental work done.  Well, first, they have to shove a needle in to my cheek to numb everything and it's been so long since I had fillings, I didn't remember this part.  It really hurt but more than that, the needle just freaked me out and I started to tear up.  Then they put this awful dental dam in my mouth and I started hyperventilating until they had to cut a hole in it so I could breathe better.

I just kept looking up in to those masked, gloved faces thinking, this will be my life (relatively) once we actually have the money to start IVF.  Ok, they might not be all up in my mough, but they will be up in my business, with unfamilliar, hurtful instruments and there is nothing I can do about it because I asked them to do this for me, because it's ultimately what I want.

I got out of my appointment and burst in to tears driving home, it was hard to even breathe.  I know it doesn't make much sense logically but I don't know what to do about it.  I also had to go to the Dr to get a renewal on a perscription (acne, because THAT's what I need right now) and I had to explain to him that no, I didn't want to be on Accutane or anything like that because I was "trying" to get pregnant.  PS, I don't know if it's called trying when our situation is as bad as it is but we're at least off any kind of birth control.

My Dr knew that we had been trying 2 yrs ago and he asked how it was going.  Again, I should be used to this question by now and I wouldn't have thought it would still upset me but I teared up as I was talking to him and I had to really control my breathing.  I was so upset, and so sad, and so embarassed at the same time.

My DH thinks I should ak him about some sort of medication that will allow me to control my feelings a bit more but the last thing I want to do is take some sort of drug that I don't necessarily need.  Obviously I just need to toughen up, but really, I thought I would be there by now.  We've known about this for a little over a year now, I wish the logic side of my mind would start to sway the emotional side, there is NO reason I should be crying at the dentist for goodness sake. 

Left out, pt 2

Posted Saturday, February 25, 2012 4:54 PM

It's not just my family that I'm feeling left out oflately, it's friendships too.  I knew this would be happening sooner rather than later, but it sucks that it still happened so (relatively) suddenly.  My friend A that is due in April is becoming more and more scarce, I wonder if she is getting nervous about the delivery and thinks that I'm bad luck in the baby department so she'll just keep her distance until she has her baby.  I know that sounds like I'm reaching but it's how I feel and I know it's possible because I might feel that way if I were in her shoes.  I know, I'm insensitive, I'm a ***, I need to be a better friend- maybe that's what IF is teaching me, to be a better friend.

Those feelings of wanting to keep distance with people who are hurting are natural, I've had them before so I know that my friend isn't be feeling this way too.  My friend B is about 8 wks along now and I just know she will start having less and less time for me too soon.

I met with some girlfriends last weekend to set up some plans for friend A's baby shower, one of those friends is friend B, one had a 1 yr old and one is getting married and already talking about babies.  I just can't stand it, I was ready so much sooner than these girls and I took this all so seriously and wanted to do it right and I feel like that's my *** karma.

I don't know if I'm a glutton for punishment or what, but I decided making something for the baby shower would be better than shopping for something off the registry.  So right now, I'm spending my free time crocheting a baby blanket for my friend and it's beautiful. I just wish I had a child to give it to, I hope she likes and appreciates it.  Maybe I'll just practice on these friends blankets so by the time I'm ready to make one for my own baby, I'll have it down and mine will be the best blanket ever! 

Left out

Posted Saturday, February 25, 2012 4:38 PM

A bunch of my family was in town this last week.  Specifically, all the family with babies.  Last year, as I was finding out we were dealing with IF, 3 of my cousins had babies .   They were all pregnant together and now although they live in 3 different cities, when one of them is in town it makes everyone else come together because having all the babies together is just "magical".  Great.

I showed up at my grandparents house late on Monday night when everyone first came in to town, which was nice because I didn't have to endure an entire evening coo-ing and baby talking.  It was cut down to about 45 min but still, that was spend with all the girls carrying around their babies or following them while they craw led and it was painful seeing my grandpa and grandma melt when they held them.  My aunts all talked about how being a grandma was the best thing that had happened to the in their whole lives and it was like that was their full time job, it's all they talked about.  The night ended with a photo session, one of course that my DH and I were not invited to be in because it was, of course, all my cousins with their babies, their Moms and my grandma.  That was absolutely awful, I can't believe that this is a "club" I'm left out of.  I was the second one of us that got married, DH and I definitely have our lives together and if our plan had worked, we would have had a 1 yr old by now and we'd probably be thinking about trying for our second child.

Later on in the week I called to try and catch up with everyone again and they were all going out to my cousins house for dinner, which was about an hr away.  I thought about it and decided against going at the last minute, my DH was busy so it would have just been me and I didn't want to put myself in that situation with all these girls and their babies for a full night.  I saw my one aunt for a moment before they went out there and told her I wouldn't be going and she just said, "I understand". Didn't ask me to come again, didn't try to get me to join in at all actually.  It was almost as if she and the rest of the "normal" family would rather me NOT be there so they wouldn't feel awkward or weird about focusing all their evergy on the babies that they know that I want and can't have.

I just wish they didn't even know about situation.  My plan was to never tell any of our extended family but word got out, at least to my aunts and if they know, I'm sure all my cousins do now too.  It just makes me sick because if they didn't know at least I could pretend everything was fine but it's so awkard because I'm sad and they know so they expect me to be sad or weird or something.  I know it sounds like I'm being ultra-sensitive but damn it, it's a sensitive situation and I don't know what to expect of people and I don't know what they expect of me.  All I know is, i would be spending more time with them if they didn't know about IF and since they do, I'd rather not spend much time with them at all.

Encouraging Notes

Posted Tuesday, February 21, 2012 4:31 PM

Here are a few texts that I've been holding on to, I didn't want to erase them completely but I also like a clean texting folder, so I'll copy them here and then delete them from my phone :)

 I can only imagine how hard this is for you and I just want you to know your friendship means the worldto me and I don't want you to hide how you feel from me.  I know that your happy for meand excited and I will never doubt that but I still want to be there for you when your upset, mad or sad.  I'm on team baby (our last name) and when its your time we will have so much to celebrate when that day comes.  I'm sure these last months, weeks, and days have sucked and will keep sucking for a little bit but don't lose hope or that special spark that makes you you because good things will come to you in time!  I have 100% faith in that and I'm not a big faith kinda person.

-M 2/3/12

I'm glad you feel like you can talk to us about it. We are here for whatever you need, even if it's justthe support, listening, or a fun weekend to get your mind off things to relax ;) We understand that it's super privateand it will not be discussed with anyone but you guys. D and I are behind you guys 110% and think about you everyday. You guys are dear friends to us and deserve nothing but the best! xoxo

-E 2/6/12

No problem we totally understand your privacy , glad you were able to share it with us.  You are always welcome to call us if you have any medication questions when it starts, we have access to look things up :)

-B 2/7/12

Two weeks

Posted Thursday, February 09, 2012 11:50 AM

Well, it's been two weeks now since my DH and I got into that huge fight and put off our IVF.  Since then, he has stepped things up when it comes to our house, he is getting a couple of projects done and that's been a huge relief to me.  As far as his work, it's still not up to the point where I'd like it to be but it seems like he is working a little harder.

The other thing that has happened is that we finally got our taxes done.  We've been waiting and waiting to get this done because we really didn't know where we'd be when it was done and we were hoping to pay off our credit card and maybe pay off my DH's car too.  Well, we finally got it done and this year things with our business were really different so our taxes reflected that.  We had $12,500 saved up for our taxes but were under the impression that we wouldn't need to spend more than $2,000-3,000 of it so we were planning on spending the difference on paying off those debts.  Well, surprise!  We need to pay in $10,000.  Yep, just another f-ing bump in the road.

It makes me upset that we don't have that money any more but it also upsets me because I was making a point when I said I wanted to hold off on the IVF.  I was under the assumption that we COULD do it but that I was CHOOSING to put it off.  Now we're back to not being able to do it even if we wanted to so I feel like, unfortunately, me making that stand has lost it's effect.

I guess we're just back to square one again.  This is so upsetting, it makes me mad, it makes me sad, it makes me depressed and it just makes it feel like we're never going to get there.  Not to mention, I found out another friend is pregnant.  A good friend actually, my DH was a groomsman in their wedding 7 MONTHS ago, not fair.

Besides all of that, my DH and I are getting along pretty well.  We've been talking a lot about feelings and this whole IF battle and that has helped me.  I don't really see things changing much for us, and I still wish they would, but I'm taking it one day at a time and just working hard and taking time to veg out too.

I had my second app with the social worker on Tuesday and it went ok.  It seems like we talk and she asks me how I feel about things and I tell her and that's that.  I don't have a hard time talking about my feelings and I'm very open with myself, with my DH, my friends and with her, it's not like I have anything to hide that I'm waiting for her to dig out so I don't know if it's really effective or not.  When I started this I told myself I'd commit to 6 weeks (or sessions) before I quit so that's what I will do but I was hoping for a little more progress than this.  As always, my expectations are a little too high, I suppose.

I think I'm going to ask Jake to come to my next app, I don't think he'll fight me too hard on it but I might be surprised.  Or maybe I'll do one more solo session before inviting him, I don't know.  I really just want him to get inspired to work harder and make more money, can my therapist do that???  That would be awesome!  That's what I need, that is what will make me feel better in every aspect of my life and that's what I'm trying to figure out.

Control

Posted Friday, February 03, 2012 4:43 PM

My therapist want sme to put some words on paper about a topic that I hae a lot to say about, control.  She asked me to write about why I thought I needed it, what I thought it meant, why it was important, etc.  This was her first assignment and I think it's a little overly opbious but sure, if I'm paying out of pocket for these sessions, I might as well get the most out of them.

I've always liked to be in control.  When I was young, I was in control of my bedroom, that was MY space and I could do whatever I wanted with it.  I there for turned my bedroom in to a direct reflection of what ever was going on in my head and in my heart at the time.  I had posters and magazine cut outs posted all over my walls, ceiling, furniture, etc.  Music, makeup, poems, clothes, everything that said somethign about what I was feeling.  I also had all sorts of other crazy stuff tacked up every where possible but in the midst of all of that choas, I always kept my room very clean.  My bed was made, my carpet freshly vaccummed, my mirrors clean and things were put away.  This was my sanctuary and I loved it.  As I grew up, I have still liked to expres myself through the things around me but they mellowed out quite a bit as my life got simpler.

Since I started in the real estate business about 5 yrs ago, I've continued to use that controling attitude and I think it's made me a more professional person.  I want my space clean and ready, I want my files updated and easily accessible and I keep the relationships with my clients and peers very professional.  I knew I was young so i overcame that with professionalism and education.  As a self employed person, this has worked out very well for me. 

I think control is important because I trust myself.  Like most people, I have been let down my people in my life, people that I was supposed to be able to trust.  I think I learned at an early age that I can't always trust people to do the things they say they will, can't depend on people to do the right thing so I've overcompensated and it's easier for me to just do everything.  I can't let go of things because the instant I do, things fall apart or they get done but not correctly.  It's easier to just do things myself, then I'm not disappointed.  My DH asks me to trust him to do things and it's the same problem, he drops the ball the minute I look away and then I'm upset.  It's just not worth it, and that goes for pretty much everyone in my life.  I don't hold it against them, I just expect them to understand when I don't let them help me.

I don't see myself letting go any time soon.  Although I'm at a low point in my life right now, I still have things to lose and as long as that's true, I feel very comfortable holding the reigns.  If I can't handle everything at once then I will decide what needs to be dropped and I will drop it myself, I won't ask someone else to cover it because again, I'll be more upset when they drop it then if I had just dropped it in the beginning.

I'm not sure if writing about this helped or not.  I knew all of these thigns before and I haven't learned anythign new by writing them down but oh well, she asked me to do it so I will.